I have been living in Ireland for the last 6 months and in the next day or so I find out whether I get a Green Card, which basically means I would be able to work and live in the United States permanently. It’s currently the last (and best) option I have to move back.
This decision whether I can become a resident of the United States (again) is made by the US government and is thus totally out of my control. I did everything I could; I provided all the right documents, guarded all deadlines, but whatever happens next is not up to me. This decision is about to change my life forever, however I feel absolutely calm. Some sort of calmness I hardly ever feel. I feel like a puddle after a storm. It’s in a perfectly balanced state but the next drop of rain is going to shatter it. Like a calm sea before an airplane crash. Like a perfect house before lightning strikes the chimney. Like a snake viciously waiting to attack the mouse. Maybe it’s not a good idea to refer to crisis situations when talking about my future.
I’m surprised I can be this calm. I’m never thís calm. But when approaching a crossroad where I have absolutely no power over which way to go, I feel in peace. Over the years of having been in several situations like this, I have come to appreciate it. Appreciating and understanding that I don’t control everything and I need to let go. It makes one humble. Luckily I’ve read Paulo Coehlo when I was younger. He taught me that you don’t ask the universe hard questions. That you trust your gut when making decisions. But mostly he taught me about omens*. I’m not a hippie or someone who believes in superstition, but I do believe that if something doesn’t go right, it means that there is something on the left that will bring you fortune as long as you’re willing to shift your focus to the left instead of being bitter that it didn’t go right. If you haven’t read the Alchemist, yet you’re reading this.. consider it an omen that you should read the book.
It’s coming. That raindrop that is about to crack open my puddle called “the future”. I’m postponing emailing the lawyers because I dig this calmness. However with the days passing by and the moment of truth creeping up on me, I feel that nervousness is growing underneath the layer of calm. Not knowing where I will end up is nerve racking and with each passing day more negative outcomes flood my head.
I feel my back getting more and more tense, I’m getting sweaty underneath my armpits and I put ‘wear sunscreen’ on. It’s time to write the email to the immigration lawyers asking for the verdict. I’m about to open the gates of heaven and let the rain flow. My calm puddle isn’t ready, but one has to do something daily that scares them. The worst thing that can happen is that my puddle lands on a biker, but if I’m willing to look to the left, even that is funny and totally worth the bad news.
*An omen is a phenomenon that is believed to foretell the future, often signifying the advent of change. People in the ancient times believed that omens imbrogliare con a divine message from their gods.