I am sorry. I am so sorry. I’ve done plenty of things wrong and I apologized often, but I never meant it as much as I do now. Which is odd because I didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes people don’t have to do things wrong to apologize, you know? Sometimes it’s a sign of empathy. Like “I truly feel how things must be like for you and things are not OK right now”.
I vividly remember the moment my boss told me he wanted me to stay in San Francisco for another year. Even though we’d only met for a month, I called you first. I was standing on the street, right outside of our office building. It was sunny. I enthusiastically told you I could stay for another year and you were surprised. I had never mentioned to you that I was on a ticking time bomb visum with an expiry date that would go off and blow me back to Europe eventually.
We joke about that moment often. And I never took that seriously. I always believed I didn’t need to tell you. I didn’t owe you anything and I was allowed to keep things private. But I dragged you into this mess right from that moment. And I am sorry for that.
I am sitting here. Alone in Dublin while you are home, in San Francisco. And I am crying. I didn’t call you first this time. Because I didn’t want to ruin your last day in the city. God. The idea that I have to tell you that my petition to immigrate to the States got denied, kills me inside. So instead I am writing this. It’s easier to talk to a screen that doesn’t talk back than to talk to humans with feelings, hopes and dreams.
I am very aware that you’ll think about me first. And how I am feeling. I guess that’s why you & I are in this little bubble that often times no one understands. Without compromising who we are, we lift each other up, find ways to make things work and push ourselves forward when the other person isn’t able. You’ll tell me things wil be alright. After which you will retract or start walking around in circles while you’re categorizing and filing away the thoughts in your head. In the mean time I will have grabbed a bottle of wine, admire you in how you control your mind and sip it away, trusting you with your thoughts. But I am sorry that I put you in this situation.
The world isn’t ready for people like us. You being an American, me being a European. With different religious backgrounds. Both living in Europe while working in the States. I often call the bureaucracy that comes with it “a game”, but it’s not a game. Games are supposed to be fun and this isn’t. It’s straight up sad. We live in a divided world where white supremacist still blame black people, Jewish people and everyone else who is “different” for everything that is going wrong. If we would allow people to live next to each other maybe we wouldn’t have those issues anymore. If we would get rid of borders and let everyone work and live wherever they want to, there would be more migration and more understanding, because you fear what you don’t understand and know. But the system isn’t ready. Which is clearly proven again today with the denial of my green card.
I am so sorry I can’t move back to the States with you.
But I promise that this isn’t the end. First I’ll cry. Then I’ll drink wine. Then we’ll take a holiday. But next week I’ll be back. With a new plan. Because the world needs people like us. Fighting to open it up more. Showing how wonderful it is to bring different people together. And someone needs to fight this damned system where your nationality states where you can and cannot live, love and work.